i am going to be alone for the rest of my life.

my ex's girlfriend had the baby that he got her pregnant with while we were still together yesterday.

on my grandmas birthday.

and the fucking child has my middle name.

its a quarter after one.

im all alone.

and i need you now.

4 days.

i was thinking about how every guy i have ever had feelings for has really taught me things i need to know. about life and relationships.

Tyler taught me how to have fun, how to let lose, and that even if a relationship fails you can still be friends. He also taught me when its over its over. You can't keep going back and trying to make it work. Because after the 50th time it probably wont.

Clint taught me about sweet talk. He could have talked me into robbing a store. He also taught me about rebound. Cuz we were rebounding using each other and it was not pretty in the end. He also taught me to not look for looks in a guy. Cuz they can be misleading.

Pilk taught me not to drink and kiss. Leads to bad things

Becktold showed me how it feels to be lead on and cheated on. Not a good feeling. But maybe i needed to experience it?

Derek was the most important I think. When me and Brandon were together i would get mad about dumb stuff. Derek taught me what a real asshole was. He showed me how bad someone can really be treated and tricked. He made me realized what it was like to be used. It was seriously awful. But it made me realize how good I had it.

Brent made me realize never go out with your best friend.

Roger. This was my favorite. He made me feel sexy. And showed me that I am not that bad of a person. He is still a great friend.

5 more days...

i am in physical pain.

my heart is literally breaking thinking about never speaking to him again.

im worried.

not so much about how the meeting is going to go.

about how im going to take it.

what if i just seriously cant handle it and go in fucking sane.

i might jump off a bridge.

its that bad.

I am going to do the october thing.

Then I am throwing out all my pictures. Deleting his moms number. Never going to that town again. Wiping him out of my life.

I'm torturing myself and its stupid.

still waiting.

im trying to go on and pretend like nothing is going on. live my life. be a college kid. get into some trouble.

but i feel like im doing something wrong if i start liking someone. and i shouldnt feel bad. what if this doesnt work out? and i dont get to go home...

it literally makes my heart hurt just thinking about it... i miss my family.

and im ready to have my own.

i want a house.

and a baby.

and a dog.

sounds dumb. but its true.

i went on my adventure.

not a total lose. just didnt go like it did in my head.

he wouldnt talk to me. didnt wanna rock the boat but he looked at me. and didnt shut himself up in thier room like he did before. i talked to his mom. shes on my side. so is his dad. thats my family. i felt at home. and i havent felt at home in years.

i have to wait til the bitch leave in october to talk to him.

his mom says he misses me.

call me a homewrecker. call me a bitch. call me whatever. this is my FIRST LOVE. i would murder for him. thats all there is to it. when i was with him its the only time i was every TRUELY happy.

why would i not give it my all to get that back?

so i've decided im going on my "if you want something go for it" adventure tomorrow.

im going to where this boy lives and dammit im gonna tell him i miss him. im gonna tell him i think about him every minute of every day. im gonna tell him we were young and immature and in love and now we are older and shit happened but i think we could still be in love. im gonna grab him and kiss him..

and he's gonna say i love you..

at least in my head that sounds good.

so im thinking of this whole waiting thing like i have a man in the military and im just waiting on him to come home.... wierd. sorry. but i gotta do something.

i went to a frat party at TU last night to see a friend I went to school with in one town and ended up seeing a guy I went to school with in my hometown! it was crazy!

I got a phone call last night. From my 1st loves mom. He had a baby with his current girlfriend a couple months ago. We didnt break up on bad terms. We just were so young and too far apart.

She says he is gonna leave this girl. And he talks about me sometimes. About us. And she thinks he wants to try again. With me.

I have waited 4 years for this time in my life. I have been with the assholes. And been fucked over. And been hurt. And lost people in my life. I have lived and loved and learned and grown. He has too. We always said that no matter what happened we would end up together. I think this is our time.

Thats my family. His mom and dad and cousins and aunts and uncles. They were mine too. I miss him and them every single day.

I feel like I have come full circle. And I hope to god my day has come.